Does Anyone Want This? And Other Assorted Thoughts

Are reheated leftovers really that appetizing to y'all?

Y’all, I think this era finally broke me.

The trailer for Lilo and Stitch remake finally released this week and I see why they waited so long to fully unveil it.

That shit looks ass, son.

Now, I’m not gonna be a Star Wars fan and bash a child actor…to their face. Child actors are just a hard thing to swing. Sometimes you get lucky and find the Stranger Things kids. Other times you get kids who are clearly acting, and in every moment of this trailer I don’t see Lilo. I see a kid trying really hard to hit their lines. Acting against a green screen/non-existent character is hard and it was a tall task asking a kid to do that believably. Over the course of two minutes and thirty seconds. There’s none of the charm, warmth, and most notably, visual flair of the original.

Hot(ish) take: I’m fucking tired of indie directors getting by with solid scripts and basic bitch visuals. Design some shots! Get bonkers with the color grading! For fucks sake leave motivated lighting in 2019 where it belongs! If you’re gonna direct a movie, then fucking direct it or stop wasting the audience’s time.

I know what you’re thinking: you can’t judge a movie by the trailer. And that’s absolutely fair! But Disney has done 19 of these since 2010 and only two of them (The Jungle Book, Aladdin) really did something for me. The F1 trailer dropped this week and it gave me fucking chills. Sure, I’ll wake up at 6 a.m. to catch a race here and there, but I have far more affection for Lilo and Stitch than F1.

I also know that this is supposed to be a kids movie. Ostensibly, the point of doing a remake like this is both to re-introduce the story to a new generation while diddling the parents’ nostalgia button. I don’t have kids, but if I did I would just pop on the OG Lilo and Stitch and call it a day. The trailer didn’t awaken my nostalgia, nor in any way convinced me that the movie would do the trick. I just stared at the screen thinking: “I always knew you could make Lilo and Stitch worse, but I didn’t need Disney to drop tens of millions to prove me right.”

I simply don’t understand why we keep doing this to lesser and lesser results, y’all.

Pre-COVID, I totally understood the math. These shits were making a billi by default. The Lion King (2019) had no cultural impact but that didn’t stop it from making 1.6 billion dollars that year. Aladdin made bread, Beauty and the Beast made bread, even Cinderella stacked a respectable amount of bread. Clearly, mass audiences do have an appetite for mediocrity.

The trend was already showing signs of fatigue in 2019, though, and in our weird new world, being a remake isn’t a guaranteed moneymaker. Mufasa: The Lion King slow burned its way to 700 mil worldwide, but I don’t know a damn person who saw it. The Little Mermaid barely broke even and Snow White is arriving with zero hype (because it looks like an uncanny, sepia-toned nightmare).

I know some folks are hyped for How to Train Your Dragon, but given how recently the animated trilogy ended and how devoid of color the trailer looks compared to the source material, it’s leaving me cold. Even the 19-year-old intern at my job turned to me and asked “Why the fuck are they doing this? Why are you showing me this? I’m pretty sure this is workplace discrimination. I’m calling HR.” when she saw the trailer. And she actually grew up with the How to Train Your Dragon movies!

So I have to ask: who wants this?

You already fucking crushed it the first time around. I can’t, for the life of me, understand why you’d spend hundreds of millions of dollars to make a mediocre product that, if we’re going by market trends, is probably only going to break even at best.

Assorted Thoughts:

-Okay, but seriously y’all. If you haven’t seen the trailer for F1 watch it on the biggest screen you can with the sound cranked up. This shit goes so hard. Seeing Franklin Saint and Lt. Aldo Raine behind the wheel of a F1 car just does something for the soul.

-Daredevil: Born Again has been surprisingly fire! The first two episodes got me in and while episode three was a little eh, that final scene had my jaw dropped. I hope that we get more street level shows going forward. The six-hour movie approach of the phase four and five shows had some heat, but I think Marvel’s TV endeavors are best for approaching the ground level heroes. I’d love it if Luke Cage and Iron Fist came back in a Heroes for Hire joint.

-I’ve been having fun with season three of Reacher, but man the feds have been slacking this season. It feels like Reacher is the only capable person on the team to the point that I’m like “why are these other people here?” I’m having fun, but I’d love a more competent team next season.